life

i expected myself to leave this section of the site for much later on or maybe that i wouldnt use it at all. i hate to make the first use of it so negative too but maybe ill delete it later or not i dont know.

my grandma was never old, until a few weeks ago. she found out she had metastatic pancreatic cancer. she's always on her feet and moving around and doing things, she even cared for my grandad like a nurse the past year because his dementia has now disabled him badly. he went into a nursing home this week because she's going to be too sick to look after him now.

i dont live with my family anymore so i traveled here this week for my grandad's birthday. her's is a week after his. i was going to go home inbetween but i decided to stay. because of this feeling in my stomach that something might change very quickly. and if i leave something horrible will happen. when i arrived a few days ago it was fine but today she couldn't speak properly. i did call the emergency line and they checked her out, no obvious stroke symptoms just this weird almost aphasia thing. she had to go to bed at 1pm. it's 11pm and she's been in bed since then. it's not usual for her. i know changes can be so sudden with cancer. but it's so diferent to how she always has been.

i had to pretend to be so calm when we talked on the phone to the emergency clinician. i don't want to stress her out or scare her. then when it was done i went and threw up stomach acid. my heart is fast and i feel sick still. the one time i forgot to bring my propanolol with me, too. i havent even taken my adhd meds even though they actually sedate me pretty well, i'm too anxious that it'll suddenly cause a panic attack this time, i need to just be as calm as possible so i can deal with anything that happens.

fuck cancer and fuck dementia and fuck getting old

i think my decision to stay that night was the luckiest decision of my life. i made her take a call button to bed at risk of offending her because she's a very independent and able woman. i just still had that horrible feeling. a few minutes after writng the last entry the bell went off, she really did have a stroke. i dont know what would have happened if i did not listen to my gut that week. she couldnt get up or yell for help. i want to cry thinking about it.

she recovered well. i spent a week there after that, hovering around her like a fly and following her to her appointments. i cant help her with the fear of another stroke, or the inevitability of worsening health and pain, so i just did some chores and nagged her to drink her water. she has so much to deal with but at least i can make it so she doesnt have to wash all the dishes on top of that- that was my thinking. i guess i just feel powerless in the face of that kind of uncertainty, and finality. she says she has accepted it.

she's afraid of becoming like my grandfather became, though. strokes and dementia took everything from him over the past 5 years. it sounds like a long time but its not. its so fast. i saw him a few times while i was there- not as much as id like to but it was enjoyable. a few times he didn't know where he is. he seemed to forget he's been disabled for years and told me he was thinking of picking up a 9 to 5, then decided against it so he could keep his freedom. i told him i think yes, it's best to keep your freedom. he cant use his hand well so i helped him clean his nails and he told me he used to do the same for me when i was my baby sister's age. he doesn't recall his own condition and circumstances but he recalls my childhood and his granddaughters name off the top of his head. his awareness and memory is a strange thing, like it would be in a dream.

i saw him again before i left, with my family. when we entered his room he greeted everybody by name, one by one until he got to me. he couldn't remember my name but he smiled wide and said 'hello, friend' which meant more to me than my name would have.